I've got to take a moment to be honest. I don't want to use this space to tell everything (no, that wouldn't be prudent) but I want to share a little about China with some like-minded friends.
China is depressing. For someone who is most of the time melancholly to begin with, living in China has taken a heavy toll on me. In one respect, it has been a time to reflect on my life and do away with some of the entanglements and habits (thoughts and thought patterns, too) that were an unwelcome part of my life in America. But as I've come to find out, day after day without the comfort of speaking fluently in conversation to friends and family, or without having the simple ability to make a joke or an observation about what I've seen here to an American friend, has left me sorely wanting. If I pointed something out to the Chinese ("Look at that! That women is carrying a side of beef in the back of her motorcycle truck! It's covered in flies in the open air! Blood is dripping on the ground and that piece is touching the ground!") they'd be confused and wouldn't understand what I was even pointing at. But to make my point, humans need contact with their close friends, they need to be able to converse and share their experiences. I was lacking in these respects in America, but in China I don't have any choices for an outlet.
I'm ashamed to admit that I've spent a good portion of my time abroad closed in my room, usually on the internet. Some habits die hard. I tell myself that there's not much to do outside- everything is concreted over and dingy, and the shops are shoddy, and communication isn't going to be possible in the slightest (I loved trying to speak Thai to natives, but speaking Chinese is a different story. I usually can't distinguish their sounds and their manner isn't friendly and courteous like the Thais, not that I haven't met many friendly Chinese, which I have). Yet I think with some motivation I could find some healthier activities. I do exercise a lot on the school's running track, but I think that I could also be working on things I enjoy, like reading, writing, and drawing. I've done my fair share of these, but my inspiration for writing today has been because I've got a back order of creative ideas in my mind that could fill a warehouse. And I've noticed, lamentably time and time again, that when I'm feeling depressed I get snared and I can't break out of my inertia. Then, anytime I propose doing something, putting something out there for people to see, I tell myself all the reasons it would be too hard, or how people would criticize it or ignore it. Sometimes, I don't want to work on something just because as soon as you put pen to paper the idea is no longer the ideal it once was. Now, it's evidence that you're imperfect and you're not as skillful as you thought. But I think to overcome these depressing feelings, I need to just simply work on something, make myself do anything just to get started. Eventually, I'll have a goal or a new project to work on that gives me purpose and revives my spirits. I've been praying about this quite a bit lately, and I need to believe that God does hear my prayers and has already set about fulfilling them.
So, here's a little joke I thought of. It's based on some thoughts and observations I've had lately while listening to debates and presentations by Christians and evolutionists and atheists.
A: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
B: I don't know, just leave it to itself. It will change itself in a few million years.
A: Change itself! How?
B: I don't know! Make it a few billion years. Fine?
A: Doesn't the light bulb need someone to change it? Someone who has a greater purpose in mind for the light? If it can change itself, why is there even a light bulb in the first place then? Who needs it? And how is there a room with a light socket and electrical wiring?
B: Why do you need an answer for all this? What, you want the light bulb to change and then say, "Oh, God did it?" Yeah, that makes about as much sense as imagining light comes from fairy dust. We know how these things work from science, we don't need your primitive superstition.
A: But why is there something instead of nothing? What is the light for?
B: I already told you! Science has developed theories about the process of the light bulb falling out of the socket so that a new one could take its place. We don't know how the room started, but just look at the beauty of the process! Why do you need to complicate that just because we don't have an answer?
A: Well, I don't think I'm making anything up. But I don't feel quite as preposterous anymore. Thanks for enlightening me.
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